Halo 2 and the Criminal Mind
The story of how a nice family man was corrupted by the video game Halo 2 and turned into a sociopathic clan leader within a single day.
“Watch the language around the boys, dear.” She’s gesturing to John’s two toddlers, now playing on the living room floor. The oldest is opening a recent birthday gift, a plastic playset in a box marked with a cartoon man with a ponytail and a goatee. The words Brett The Communal Farmer are marked in pink above his head, below it says And His Life Partner, Tim! There is not a toy gun or G.I. Joe to be found in the house.
“I’m not gonna censor myself. Dave’s doin’ an article on the mind of the average gamer and I can’t filter my thoughts. And my first unfiltered thought is that Halo 2 be da filthy.”
This early exchange with the wife didn’t bode well for the future, as we can see in this later episode.
She examines the TV, watching John stride up behind an unsuspecting opponent and blow holes in his back.
“Wait a second,” she said. “Why did you kill that guy? Isn’t he another human?”
John shook his head in frustration. “He’s wearing blue armor.”
“So… the guys in blue armor were also born evil?”
“Honey, if you would take a moment to think before you talk, you’d see that the uniform means he’s on the other side. It’s a game. Like football.”
“But… you’re blowing their guts out. So, like, in the Halo universe are you saying that it’s a normal human pasttime to-“
“-I’m trying to play here! Don’t make me get Ghraib on your ass!”
“If you talk to me like that again, I’ll never let you touch my…” she trails off into stricken silence. “John, what the hell are you doing?”
What John’s wife had just observed was the Halo custom known as “tea bagging.” This is a sort of celebration where the victor squats over the vanquished’s face to simulate dipping his testicles into the cold, dead, open mouth of the corpse much in the same way one would dip a teabag into a cup of hot water.
The article was written by David Wong and John Cheese.
John Cheese? Wasn’t that the former name of John Cleese before he changed his surname?
Tags: games
